Missed the last episode of Vini Jones’ Love Island journey? No worries. Catch up here.
What a week it had been in the Villa. After numerous twists and turns, Vini Jones had finally found herself coupled up with a boy that promised to be affectionate, caring and, above all, loyal. Levi, an Olympic water polo player, was as gorgeous as he was sensitive, and Vini Jones felt sure that she could now coast her way to the Love Island final, with her and Levi as happy as two sexually intimate peas in a pod. But Vini Jones’ dramatic journey wasn’t to end here. No. The drama was only about to begin.
Waking up in the middle of the night, I immediately sensed something was wrong. Feeling my way round in the pitch-black darkness, I was shocked to discover that the boy I’d gone to bed with that night was no longer lying next to me. Now fully awake, I turned my head to detect some hushed voices filtering down from the roof terrace. The sound of barely audible whispering had a certain hissing element to it, and since Vini Jones is fluent in parseltongue, it sounded like some late-night snakery was afoot.
Fearing the worst, Vini Jones tiptoed her way out of the bedroom, and headed upstairs. Climbing to the second-floor, the hissing grew louder and louder, reaching a viperous climax by the time I found myself opening the door to the roof terrace. I braced myself for the worst, but nothing could have prepared Vini Jones for the scene now before her. Out on the decking, where Levi and I had spent an accidental night of passion only 30 hours earlier, I found Levi and Cherry in a very compromising position – and by ‘compromising’, I mean that Levi had his tongue halfway down Cherry’s throats and his right-hand creeping steadily up past her knee. Hmmm, an interesting concept.
Now, if you were stood in Vini Jones’ shoes, what would you have done? Screamed? Fainted? Run away in a pool of tears and hid in the shower? Of course you would. Because you’re not Vini Jones. No. Vini Jones stood there in silence, and watched. She watched as her man signed his own death warrant by cheating on her, every second concocting a new and inventive way to feed Levi his own dick. Levi had abused my trust; he had been a snake, a slithery, little snake. And how do you kill a snake? That’s right – you chop off its head, freeze it with liquid nitrogen, and then let daddy drop kick it into a million, shitty pieces. I told you Levi, I told you that if you fucked with me I would fuck you back and I swear to god I am going to make it the slowest and most painful fucking you’ve ever had.
That’s when Cherry looked up and let out a high-pitched gasp. As the blood drained out of Levi’s silent face, Cherry pleaded to Vini Jones that “It was an accident, I swear”. I guess that’s true, Cherry. I guess Levi’s cock just ‘accidentally’ found its way into your hands. I guess Leslie Tiller ‘accidentally’ tripped and fell on her own shears. People have ‘accidents’ all the time. So I guess I’ll just ‘accidentally’ slit your throat while you’re sleeping. Clumsy me.
As it turned out, the producers had provided Vini Jones with the means for some instant, albeit non-violent, retribution in that day’s challenge: ‘Sink or Swim’. The rules were simple. Two islanders would both sit above a pool of water, where they would have to decide whether to ‘dunk’ or ‘save’ the islander opposite them. First up was me and Levi, who whispered something along the lines of “I’m really sorry” as he climbed to his position above his soggy reckoning below. It cost 5 ‘gems’ (Love Island the Game’s virtual currency) to ‘dump’ Levi, and zero gems to save him – which of course meant I dipped even further into my overdraft by spending approximately 15 British pence dumping this daft cunt without any regret. Worth. Every. Penny. In return, Levi didn’t have the balls to dunk me. He knew I was already seething at him; just imagine the hellfire he would unleash if he got my hair wet as well.
I then faced off against Erikah. Since I still considered her my strongest friend in the Villa, I didn’t hesitate to press ‘save’. It came as a huge shock when, 5 seconds later, Vini Jones found herself submerged in ice-cold water. It turned out that Erikah was jealous because she’d had no dick in 7 days whereas Vini Jones had had all the dick in the world. I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I’m popular. Anyway, to cut a long story short, Erikah had somehow managed to convince Levi and Cherry to kiss last night, in an attempt to undermine my authority in the Villa. This made her a marked woman.
I kept my cool, because for the final round I was up against Cherry. For a few moments, I toyed with the idea of dunking Cherry so hard that she drowned in a whirlpool of sin and regret, but instead I chose to save her. If a girl fancies a boy, even if it’s my boy, she should be free to get her graft on; it’s entirely the stupid boy’s fault if his head is turned by some plastic tits, fake red extensions, and the promise of some well-trimmed minge. I don’t know… perhaps I saw a little bit of Vini Jones in Cherry when I saw her copping off with Levi – a protégée of forbidden cock, if you will. With the right training, and a reliable mentor, Cherry could go a long way… Vini Jones 2.0, perhaps.
I was exhausted from a lack of sleep, so I hit the hay and attempted to put that day’s events behind me. But just as I pulled the covers over my eyes, I got a text telling the islanders that there would be a recoupling tomorrow night, and that the girls would choose first. I smiled. One thing was for certain: I wouldn’t be picking Levi.
Going to bed early, I woke up hours before any of the other islanders and decided to freshen up my look with a new hairstyle. Curling my luscious locks into a shoulder-length bob, my new look was perfected. It’s bold. It’s kinky. But, most of all, it’s classy, letting you know that although I may do some potentially illegal things to your cock, you’ll still be able to look your mother in the eye afterwards.
To combat the stress of yesterday’s events, Levi and Mason were giving massages in the garden. I smelt my opportunity, and I struck. Walking over to the massage table, I looked Levi in the eye and asked Mason if he would be so kind as to give me a “full-body” massage. Within seconds, I was face down, with Mason’s hands kneading into my back. I told him to “go slower” – he went slower. I told him to “go harder” – he went harder. I told him to “go lower” – he went a lot lower. It was at this point, with Mason’s sandpaper fingers heading perilously southwards, that Levi started squaring up to him. With the promise of bare-knuckled blood on the cards, Love Island the Game gave me three options: ‘Try and stop them’; ‘Reason with them’; ‘Make things worse’. Oh dear… what’s a girl to do?
Obviously, I made things worse. But just as they start swinging fists, Queen Talia strode over and broke the boys up, uttering the immortal line – “I think we’ve all seen enough of you two swinging your dicks around”. Well said, babe.
Anyway, it was time for our next challenge, ‘Love Is Blind’. Again, the game was simple; the girls would be blindfolded and then tasked with finding their partners by using only their hands and their powers of deduction. I wanted to reassure Levi that I’d still play along and find him even though he’d cheated on me, so I shouted in front of the whole group “Don’t worry, Levi, I’ll just look for the boy with the smallest dick, shall I hunny?”. In the awkward silence that followed, the sound of an unknown voice had the girls whipping off their blindfolds, only to discover that there was a new islander among us.
Reese – 22-year-old professional wrestler from Birmingham. Reese has got abs made of granite, and he has a finishing move called ‘the Springboard Moonsault’ – whether that’s something to do with wrestling or something sexual, I was intrigued to find out. I knew Reese would be 100% Erikah’s type, however, so I decided to pass on this fresh piece of meat and wingman Erikah instead. Considering she can’t seem to get any boys without my assistance, I thought maybe giving her a helping hand would patch things up between us.
Later that day, Talia was chosen to go shopping for tonight’s party. And since I’d taken her on my shopping trip only a couple days previously, she returned the favour by taking me along with her now. Arriving at the fruit and vegetable aisle, Vini Jones spotted a rather ripe looking peach, and had an idea. Anyone who’s seen Call Me By Your Name knows the seductive power of a spontaneously penetrated peach, and Vini Jones knew this all too well, as she sunk her teeth into the fruity goodness until its juices dripped down her chin. Unable to contain herself, Talia joined in for a bite, Lady and the Tramp style. OH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING.
So, while Vini Jones and Talia enjoy giving me a heart attack, allow Big T to ruin that image for you with some more quotes of the day:
- “If I sat down to a meal and someone served me fireworks, I’d blow up right in their face”
- “Name any MC that I’m not iller than, Big T and I can rhyme in Castilian, I ask the Ladies Como esta? Donde esta la biblioteca?”
Where is the library indeed, big T… I haven’t touched my dissertation in days.
Since he was the newest islander, Reece got first pick when we eventually sat down for the recoupling. Thankfully, Reece was immune to Vini Jones’ natural charms, as he chose to couple up with Erikah. After some long consideration, Jen decided to couple up with the boy who had the biggest willy, which meant she picked Tim. Allegra (boring) picked Jasper (boring boring boring), and Cherry coupled up with the only boy she hadn’t tried it on with yet, Rohan. With it then being my turn, my options were limited to Levi, Mason and Jake.
Desperate to get me back, Levi chose that moment to plead to Vini Jones’ emotions and finally give her an apology:
“I shouldn’t have done it, and it will never happen again”.
No Levi, it wouldn’t happen again, because I chose Talia instead.
Utter pandemonium erupted around us as Vini Jones and Talia walked towards each other to share a deep and meaningful kiss. With the remaining boys shell-shocked, a text then informed the islanders that tonight the public would vote for their favourite couple, and that the least popular couple would be dumped from the island tomorrow. New couple Reece and Erikah, as well as Levi, Mason, and Jake, would be immune from the vote. Considering she’s the least likeable thing since genital warts, Allegra was not happy about this news.
But me and Talia couldn’t care less. We were happily coupled up after a week of sexual tension. Finally throwing caution to the wind and expressing our feelings towards each other, we decided to waste no time getting to know each other better, and headed straight to bed.
And so I settled down for my first night in bed with the girl of my dreams, Talia. God I can’t wait for our periods to sync.
Robert Cairns (aka Vini Jones)