Missed the last episode of Vini Jones’ Love Island journey? No worries. Catch up here.
Four days in Mallorca had seen Vini Jones single-handedly Regina George the shit out of the Love Island Villa. Now coupled up with international man of mystery, Jake, I was the queen bee. But although Jake was a certified hunk, his chat left a lot to be desired. Sadly, Vini Jones is a girl that needs to be kept on her toes, so she’d have to look elsewhere if she wanted her Summer to get even hotter.
There were some tired heads in the Villa on the 5th morning of Vini Jones’ Love Island journey. No one had slept because the newly coupled-up Allegra and Jasper had been making the beast with two backs and jamming the clam all night long. It was loud. It was sloppy. And since it sounded like Allegra was dying a slow and painful death, it was oddly arousing. Allegra acted all coy about the situation, saying “We didn’t keep you up last night, did we?”, despite knowing full well that she’d been moaning loud enough to scare people away from the girls’ bathroom on the second-floor of Hogwarts for 50 years.
However, as a text informed us to leave the Villa for today’s challenge, ‘Pied Off’, it turned out that Allegra wouldn’t be the only islander that day to have her face covered in a suspicious, white creamy substance. In this challenge, the girls would face off against the boys in a general knowledge quiz. The first person to answer got a point for their team and, more importantly, got to smash their opponent in the face with a cream pie.
Now, Vini Jones has seen her fair share of cream pies in her life, both professional and home-made, so I was quietly confident. My confidence was vindicated as I beat Mason in the first round. But instead of launching the pie at his stupid face, Vini Jones circled round Mason and sensually rubbed the cream all over his swollen posterior. That was weird; I didn’t tell her to do that. A similar thing happened in the next round, where I beat Jake to answer first. Again, instead of following the cream pie protocol (CPP), Vini Jones dipped her finger in the pie and began painting a suspiciously phallic picture on Jake’s chest, before shoving her creamy finger down his throat.
As if that wasn’t NSFW enough, after beating Levi in the final round, Vini Jones rubbed the pie all over her chest and then forced Levi to lick every last drop off of her ample bosom. I watched on in horror as the whole creamy ordeal unfolded in front of my very eyes, comforting myself with the thought that Vini Jones’ antics were probably just a glitch in the system. What had started as simply answering trivia questions ended in a creamy motorboat and about a thousand complaints to Ofcom.
Having answered the most questions correctly, I was allowed to go on a date with any boy of my choosing. Now, I could have chosen my current partner Jake, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, I aimed to dismantle the most stable couple in the Villa – Jen and Levi – and so I chose Levi as my next victim. Jen seemed nervous at the news, timdly giggling “Bring him home in one piece”. Oh Jen, when I’m finished with your boyfriend, his cock’s no longer going to be attached to his body.
Wrapping myself in an absolute showstopper of a purple dress, I headed upstairs to the roof terrace for a candlelit dinner with Levi; his jaw almost hit the floor when he saw me. It didn’t take long for him to compose himself though, because the next minute his jaw was bearing down on my mouth. The kiss was fantastic, like a fierce game of chess, as each of us competed for domination over the other one’s tongue. But then something really strange happened. Without being prompted, Vini Jones stood up with a glint in her eye and smirked:
“Why don’t we see where that kiss takes us?”
Erm, what was that Vini? It was then that Vini Jones went to lock the roof terrace’s door so that “no one can get in and no one can get out”. She then walked back to Levi, and the two of them began taking their tops off and getting hot and heavy on the cushions. I DID NOT CONSENT TO THIS. For legal reasons, I would like to point out here that I hadn’t touched my phone at this point for about 5 minutes. Vini Jones describes herself as “a girl that knows what she wants”, which is another way of saying that she had gone fully sentient. My screen went blank for a few seconds, and when the game returned, Vini Jones and Levi were sitting in a pile of sin, putting their clothes back on. So I think… I think… I think I accidentally just shagged someone’s brains out on national television.
Having slept very little that night, and in order to avoid any more unplanned copulation, I spent the majority of the morning of my 6th day hiding in bed, until the producers forced me outside to compete in another challenge: ‘Rated and Slated’. For this game, we were told that the boys had rated the girls from first to worst in a variety of categories, meaning the girls would have to line up and try and match the order that the boys had put us in.
The first category was for the ‘best dressed’, and considering Vini Jones is the only character on this god damn show who has actually changed her outfit since the first day, and since I’ve spent about £20 at this point on virtual clothes, this simply had to be me. For some reason, Allegra YES FUCKING ALLEGRA pushed to the front of the line ready to claim her prize. Alas, the boys had obviously chosen to crown me as ‘best dressed’ instead. For a brief second, I considered strangling Allegra with my new sash, but thankfully Vini Jones is classier than that.
The next category was for ‘the most dateable’. Considering that since entering the Villa I’d pulled four different boys and basically broken up two relationships, I sensibly headed to the back of the queue. Allegra FUCKING ALLEGRA AGAIN pushed past beauty queen Talia to put herself in first place and I genuinely don’t think I have hated a fictional character more in my entire life. Then the unthinkable happened: Vini Jones was voted ‘most dateable’. My god these boys are so dumb. On top of that, it turned out the boys had voted Allegra as least dateable, so I could enjoy my sixth day in the villa knowing that my arch nemesis had been officially broken.
After that fiasco, me and Talia were chosen to go shopping, so that we could buy some treats for tonight’s cocktail party. Now, I don’t want to read too much into things, but Vini Jones’ food selections again seemed oddly phallic. Because what on earth are we going to do with a cucumber, two aubergines, a stick of ginger and an actual dildo at a cocktail party? Where’s the crisps? Where’s the dips? Where’s the humus, Vini Jones? WHERE’S THE FUCKING HUMUS!?
As if she could hear me and was feeding on my anger, Vini Jones walked Talia into the freezer isle, pushed her up against a fridge full of Captain Birdseye Fish Fingers, and just started getting off with her. I mean, Vini Jones was just taking the piss now. There was a real tension between my 13-year-old self furiously trying to screenshot the moment and send it to all my mates, and my 22-year-old self who just wanted to be a good host and get some killer nibbles for the party.
The recoupling was mere moments away, and Vini Jones had gone fully AWOL. So, while I turn Love Island the Game on and off again in an attempt to reset Vini Jones’ coding, treat yourself to some quotes of the day(s) from Mr Big T himself.
- “We’re all really happy you’re coupled up with Jasper, Allegra, so that we don’t have to date you”
- “My bars are so savage, take the girls home for a sandwich”
- “I’d date anyone who ate an ice lolly like that”
Preparing ourselves for the recoupling, Jen asked me if I could finish her eye makeup for her, as she couldn’t stop her hands from shaking. I obliged, resisting the temptation to sink the eyeliner into her pretty blue eye sockets and giving her a devilish cat-eye instead. As we headed down towards the firepit, I donned a cute cow girl outfit to remind Levi of the accidental ride I gave him last night, a tactic which worked because Levi picked me first. That’s right, Vini Jones always gets her man. In other less exciting news, Jasper picked Allegra, Mason picked Cherry, Rohan picked Erikah, and Tim picked Talia. Last to pick, Jake coupled up with Jen, saying “I’m excited to couple up with her as friends and I’m ready to step aside when the time comes”. Oh Jake, you really know how to make a girl feel special.
While the rest of the islanders were drinking the Cheeky Vimto I’d bought from BestOne earlier that day, me and Levi snuck off to the bedroom for an early night. Anytime Vini Jones is alone with a boy I’ve started to sweat because I genuinely can’t predict what she’s going to do next. Thankfully, it seemed she was all dicked out for one day, so she stuck to some simple pillow talk instead. Now Vini Jones isn’t a jealous girl, but Levi spent the majority of the conversation talking about his Ex outside the Villa, and a lot less time talking about what was now the most important thing in his life: me. It got me wondering, if Levi was happy to pie Jen off without giving her a proper breakup, then was he going to do the same to Vini Jones?
Who knows. Only time will tell. But what I do know is that if he tries anything of the sort I’ll shove a water polo ball so far up his arse he’ll think he’s back at the team hotel in Rio. And that’s a promise.
Robert Cairns (aka Vini Jones)