Missed the last episode of Vini Jones’ Love Island journey? No worries. Catch up here.
After three days in the Love Island villa, I had pulled two boys and broken up another girl’s relationship. But Vini Jones was still thirsty. My sexual renaissance was only just beginning, and I wasn’t going to let it end any time soon. Waking up on the fourth day of my Love Island journey, I set my sites on bagging a certified hunk in the recoupling, and breaking a few more hearts in the process.
To start my day, I thought it might be a good idea to have my first meeting with the newest female islander, Cherry. I hadn’t been able to chat to Cherry last night – on account of me having both my hands wrapped around Mason’s girthy cock when she arrived – so it was time to evaluate the competition. Cherry was super friendly, but there was something suspicious about the conversation. We got on well, almost too well. It came as a sudden shock to realise that Cherry had been speaking some form of ‘Girl Code’ the entire time.
Now, I’m not saying I’m an expert, but I’ve read my fair share of Jacqueline Wilson books and I’ve been through every season of Desperate Housewives at least six times, so I’d like to think that my grasp of Girl Code is pretty solid. First, I’ll tell you what Cherry said to Vini Jones, and then I’ll translate those words into what she really meant, so that those of you less adept at the lingo can keep up:
- “You’re even better looking close up!” = ‘From a distance you look incredibly ugly’
- “Wow, your outfit is amazing! I need to get a swimsuit like that” = ‘I remember my first bikini. Also you are a big slag’
- “What do you really think of Mason?” = ‘Just so you know, I’m going to steal the boy you stole from that other girl last night. Sorry, hun’
- “Let’s go chill with the others” = ‘Why are you still talking to me?’
- “Yep” = ‘Absolutely fucking not’
- “You can’t tell anyone I told you all this” = ‘If you tell a single soul, if you even queef out a soundbite, I’m going to cut you and sell your organs on the black market. Kapiche?’
I smiled and gave Cherry my own piece of Girl Code back: “It’s so lovely to meet you. We’re going to have so much fun together”. Which, of course, means – ‘I know your game, bitch. Your days in the Villa are numbered’. She got the message.
With that war of words over, I decided to meet the other new islander, Rohan. Rohan is cute, but there’s no way he can handle a girl like Vini Jones. It was time to deflect this dead weight onto one of the other girls. Luckily, I’d found out earlier that morning that my best friend in the Villa, Erikah, fancied Rohan an unholy amount. And since Erikah was the only girl in the Villa by that point who hadn’t tried to kill me (Allegra and Jen) or scissor me (Talia), I decided to help her on her noble quest for knob. This didn’t stop Rohan from trying to graft on Vini Jones, however. According to Rohan, I was “totally his type on paper”. Well that may be true, Rohan, but on paper Leicester should never have won the Premier League. A roll in the hay with Vini Jones comes in many shapes and forms, but it does not come on paper.
Saving me from the prospect of spending any longer in Rohan’s company, we got a text telling us that the islanders must take part in a giant game of spin the bottle, after which we’d have to rate which islander was the best kisser. And since the girl who won the challenge would get to pick first at the recoupling tonight, I simply had to win.
You know how spin the bottle works. You sit there desperately hoping it lands on the person you fancy and then it lands on either your ex or that boy with the cauliflower ears who’s being stalking you around your hometown since Primary School. True to form, with my first spin the bottle landed on Mason, the boy who I’d pulled and then immediately brushed aside less than 12 hours ago. Safe to say Allegra, his previous girlfriend, wasn’t too happy about this. I’d promised myself that I would separate entirely from Mason, but as he walked towards me, his virile member swinging from side to side like it was going to put another crack in the Liberty Bell, what was I gonna do, say no? Of course I wasn’t. So I snogged his face off, all the while making eye contact with Allegra to let her know that she’ll never meet a bitch as bad as me in her entire life. Again, Allegra was not happy about this.
“This is such bullshit. Why does Vini Jones get to kiss everyone? It’s completely unfair. The spinner must be broken”
Oh, Allegra. Be better, not bitter.
With my second spin, I aimed for Talia, and landed on her partner, Jake. I mean, I’ll take it. Jake’s so hot you could boil an egg in his anus. Kissing him deeply, it was like being reborn. It had me wondering, if he can do that with his tongue, then just what on earth can he do with the rest of his body? But although my kissing game had been good, there was no stopping Cherry. She was like a homing beacon for the bottle; she might as well have been a revolving door at a candy shop, as the boys basically queued up to taste her sweet and juicy goods. Needless to say, the stupid boys voted Cherry the best kisser. Shit.
It wasn’t long after the bottle had stopped spinning that the girls were sat round the firepit with the boys lined up in front of them, ready for the first recoupling of the Summer. Cherry stepped up to the oche, and with her first pick, sent the Villa into meltdown. Why, you ask? Because she picked Mason. Yep, you heard, Mason. Oh my god the look on Allegra’s face as Mason strutted over and picked Cherry up in his arms was fucking priceless. I couldn’t help but shed a tear of pride to know that this drama was all Vini Jones’ fault. Well done, girl.
In a calculated response to me and Cherry, Allegra licked her lips and decided to couple up with Jasper, because she wanted “to be the new power couple of the Villa”. Loooooool good luck hunny his dick’s about as limp as his chat. Adding to the drama, Talia left her current partner Jake in the lurch and recoupled with Big T, which genuinely no one saw coming. Less surprising was the news that Jen decided to recouple with Levi. Yawn.
Finally, it was my turn to choose my new partner. Once again, my options were limited to just two boys: Rohan and Jake. Remember, Erikah – who was yet to recouple – fancied the knobs out of Rohan, and since Jake is built like a Greek god, and because I was afraid Rohan might turn me into a white walker if he tried to kiss me, this decision was a no brainer. Obviously, I was going to choose Jake.
However, because I was continuing this stage of my Love Island journey at 3am in the morning after some heavy drinking, my motor skills had started to fail me, and it was at this point that I pressed the wrong button and accidentally found myself coupled up with Rohan. Nightmare. Rather than incur the wrath of Erikah, I therefore had to spend another £4.99 on this stupid fucking game in order to replay not just the recoupling, but THE ENTIRE EPISODE.
So, while me and Vini Jones redo the last hour of my life desperately trying to remember what decisions we made, here’s some quotes of the day from Big T to pass the time.
- “Yes! I’m the kissing master! Best kisser in the Villa. Take that, Mason!”
- “You can’t compete with my luscious lips and tongue technique”
- “Eat, Sleep, Love Island, Repeat” (This isn’t actually a quote, just the T-Shirt that Big T wears to bed EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT)
After eventually making my way back to the recoupling stage, I made sure to couple up with Jake. With my error well and truly corrected, and for what seemed like the first time in the Villa, me and Jake got to spend some alone time together. Sat by the pool, the guy just kept talking and talking and talking at me, unaware that all I wanted to do was rip his shirt off and ride his abs all the way to pleasure town. To shut him up, I pulled him close and almost chewed his delicious little mouth off. It was my best kiss in the Villa yet; Jake must have been putting his chef skills to good use because it felt like he was cooking up a Waldorf salad in my mouth. I told him I’d give him a Michelin star if he did it again, an extra two if he let me taste his secret sauce. And that’s when Jake said the magic words: “I’ll do anything you want, if it’ll make you happy”
And there you have it, girls, it’s not so hard to make a boy fall in love with you. All you need is a famous father, a cracking pair of tits, and a sponsorship deal with Boohoo and you’re all set.
As the night came to a close, all the islanders headed off to bed, exhausted. It was bliss. The only sounds you could hear for miles around were the buzz of fireflies dancing around the garden, Cherry sucking the soul out of Mason’s cock, and Allegra sharpening her nails with her bowie knife.
Just another night in paradise.
Robert Cairns (aka Vini Jones)