My Love Island Journey – Day 3

Missed the last episode of Vini Jones’ Love Island journey? No worries. Catch up here.

After two days in the Love Island Villa, I seemed to have taken one step forward and about seven steps back. My first relationship with Jasper had come to a teary end, half the girls hated me, and the other boys that I actually fancied were all happily coupled up. If I was going to stay on the island, I’d have to up my game and make some serious waves. Taking the moral high ground by allowing Jasper to sleep in the communal bedroom, I spent my second night in the Villa sleeping outside under the stars.

Waking up on my third day in a strange bed next to an empty bottle of unbranded wine, you’d forgive me for thinking that this was just another typical Sunday morning waking up in Rochdale. But the glow of sunshine and the sound of human life reminded me that I was still, indeed, in paradise. As I looked out across the landscape before me, I was struck by a sudden realisation: It’s day three of my Love Island journey and I’ve had about as much dick as a nun. It was time for desperate measures. It was time for the JONES system.


Now, the JONES system is a sure-fire method of getting any boy you want with no strings attached. It’s the Atkins Diet of the dating world, except rather than leaving you with an empty stomach, the JONES system will keep your plate full all summer long. It’s very simple, but listen closely.

J – Justify Infiltration
O – Offend The Opposition
N – Necessitate Break Up
E – Engage Physically
S – Separate Entirely

For the highest success rate, the JONES system requires an unstable couple to manipulate, which made today’s target Mason and Allegra. If you’ve been paying attention, then you’ll know that Allegra was throwing some serious shade my way yesterday, so I felt very little guilt about what I was about to do next. To effectively turn his head away from Allegra, all I needed was a legitimate excuse to get closer to Mason. And it had been staring me in the face all morning.

I had been awoken by the sounds of Levi (an Olympic water polo player, remember) swimming an impressive amount of lengths in the Love Island pool. As he emerged from the shimmering water, framed perfectly by the blood red sun that loomed in the distance behind him, his ripped muscles dripped thick goblets of water all over the grass – he wasn’t the only one dripping, I’ll tell you that for free.


I told Levi to sit next to me so he could teach me the rules of water polo, to which Levi was all too happy to oblige. When he finally left, my sheets were drenched with pool water, and with my soggy bait set, it didn’t take long for Mason to fall straight into my trap. Time to Justify Infiltration.

“Oh, Mason, my bed’s all wet and it’s making me cold! Won’t you jump into bed with me and warm me up?”

Textbook Vini Jones. Mason wandered over and – even though both of us knew he was only going to make the bed even soggier – slid in alongside me, snuggling up close to help me dry. We frolicked and flirted until my duvet was virtually 100% moisture, at which point I ordered Mason to make me breakfast. Putty in my hand.

To my delight, it turned out that the eagle-eyed Allegra had been watching our little rendezvous from the roof terrace. This is where you Offend The Opposition. Basically, you’ve got to let them know that you’re the baddest bitch around. Losing her cool, Allegra cornered me in the dressing room and demanded to know if I was going to be grafting on Mason today:


Now, I don’t want to go around stepping on any toes in the Villa, but I will curb stomp any girl that gets in the way of me and my man. Unfortunately, the writers of Love Island the Game didn’t include the option to roundhouse Allegra all the way back to Swansea, so I said nothing, gave her a cheeky wink instead, and left her seething in the dressing room.

With the wheels in motion, I pulled Talia for a chat on the sun loungers and walked her through my plan. The sexual tension between me and Talia was reaching breaking point by now, and it almost boiled over as she spun me round and began massaging my back. Her hands were firm, exploring pretty much every inch of my body – Yes, every inch. It was a good job I’d chosen to be a female character, because if I’d been a boy right now I’m pretty sure my boner would have ripped the sun lounger in half. I returned the favour and proceeded to trace Talia’s back with my soft fingers. It was all getting a little bit tantric, and I noticed a few of the boys gawping at us from afar in what looked like a circle jerk. But before it could get full blown bookaki, we were interrupted by a text telling us to get ready for today’s challenge.


Today’s challenge asked for the girls to cover their partners in paint and use them as human paintbrushes to create some sexy art. I’m feeling quietly confident; as you may remember, Vini Jones is a conceptual artist who specialises in finger painting. While the other contestants messed around, I poured purple paint all over myself and began to vigorously rub Jasper up and down until we looked like two Barney the dinosaurs fucking. Under my supervision, Jasper flailed about passionately on the canvas, until our masterpiece was ready. I call it: ‘le lendemain matin’.


Inspired by Picasso’s blue period, the convergence of purple and gold represents the intensity of sex between two opposing forces. In short, le lendemain matin represents the pure spirit, the ferocious energy, the messy aftermath of lust. The other islanders simply couldn’t cut the mustard. Mason attempted an impressionist recreation of Allegra’s bum, but the result looked more like an aggressive pair of hairy testicles. Jen and Levi took a more political angle with their artwork, creating what I can only assume was an effigy of Donald Trump shitting all over anyone who isn’t white or American. Talia and Jake would have produced a to-scale illustration of Big T’s giant cock, but they quickly ran out of canvas. Compared to these muppets, le lendemain matin looked like the Sistine Chapel.



Back at the villa, Allegra and Mason were having a showdown. Clearly, Allegra had taken offence to the fact that Mason thought her arse looked like Hell Boy’s scrotum; either that or she was upset aout how thickly Vini Jones had been laying it on him all day. This was my chance – I moved in for step 3: Necessitate Breakup. These two were never meant to be together, but they were going to need some external help to make them see the light. As it turned out, it only took a few carefully selected words from Vini Jones to force Allegra and Mason to break things off.

Things were going swimmingly, and as if it couldn’t get anymore dramatic, the Villa was rocked by the sudden arrival of two new islanders.



Rohan – 23-year-old psychology student from Wolverhamption. Rohan looks like Enrique Iglesias retired after Euphoria and spent the next eight years working with the Volturi trying to stop Bella Swan from having a baby. He’s really not my type, but apparently Rohan thinks Vini Jones is the hottest girl in the villa, which means I’m going to have to break at least one more boy’s heart this summer.

Cherry – 20-year-old bombshell from Suffolk. Cherry spends her nights performing on the West End, and by the looks of things she has great dramatic timing. At first, I thought we could be best friends. But it didn’t take long to find out that her favourite boys in the Villa are Levi and Mason, which swiftly saw her removed from my Christmas card list and glued firmly into my burn book.

With the new islanders stealing the show, I decided to get Mason alone for a chat on the roof terrace for some frisky kissing. But before I describe how to Engage Physically, some more quotes of the day, courtesy of Big T:

  • “Being a human paintbrush has been on my top ten sexy fantasy list ever since I was 18”
  • “I once slept with an artist… paint wasn’t the only thing on her canvas the next morning”

Needless to say, there were fewer words between me and Mason. The sexual chemistry was off the chain; we didn’t even speak. As soon as we sat down on the terrace we had our tongues so far down each other’s throat they might as well have been in a different country. Giving him a sneaky little reach around, the kiss culminated in an explosive and X-rated 7 seconds in heaven. Clearly pleased with himself, Mason returned to the party alone, so that no suspicions arose among the other islanders.


And with that, it was time for the final element of the JONES system: Separate Entirely. Now this is the most important part of the system, the key to sustaining a long and enjoyable life of promiscuity. You don’t want any puppy-eyed boys following you around by the ankles while you’re grafting in pastures new. It’s 2018, it’s time for the women to take control. I got what I wanted, so now it’s time to completely cut Mason out of my life.

And there you have it, girls, the JONES system:

J – Justify Infiltration
O – Offend The Opposition
N – Necessitate Break Up
E – Engage Physically
S – Separate Entirely

Sure, it may not be entirely ethical, but all’s fair in love and war.

Unless your name’s Allegra. In which case, don’t hate the player, hate the system.

Robert Cairns (aka Vini Jones)

Continue the Love Island Journey here.

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