Missed the last episode of Vini Jones’ Love Island journey? No worries. Catch up here.
After one day in the Love Island Villa, things weren’t going well for my female alter-ego, Vini Jones. Despite deflecting interest from boys left right and centre, I ended up coupling up with Jasper, a 26-year-old financial advisor who, immediately after our first kiss, suggested we still “chat” to other contestants. On top of that, my well-planned costume changes had gone down well with the boys, but had panicked a few of the other girls. There’s no feeling quite as strong as jealously and, as you’ll soon see, my actions on day 2 of my Love Island journey only made things worse.
With Jasper spending the night on the sofa, I woke up alone amidst the stench of communal sweat, pheromones, and sexual frustration. Doing a quick head count – because I’m pretty sure someone, or something, died in here last night – my already muggy morning got even worse when Allegra jumped into bed with me.
Allegra was clearly worried that I might react to my newly-single state by making a play for her man, Mason. She was right to be worried; I’d have that boy for breakfast, lunch, and supper every day of the week. Allegra, seeming to guess what was on Vini Jones’ menu, whispered into my ear so that only I could hear:
“You shouldn’t eat from other people’s plates, and you don’t want to start something you can’t finish.”
Okay, two things, hun. First, I can finish a doner kebab from Crispy’s in less than five minutes and still have room for your boyfriend afterwards. Second, the last girl who questioned my eating habits ended up in a ditch. So I’ll eat from your plate when and where I please, and I’ll finish it when I want.
I decided to shower so that I could wash my hands of the situation and get rid of the lingering smell which had quite literally turned into a visible mist in the bedroom. It turned out, however, that prospective gangsta rapper Tim had beaten me to it, and was using the acoustics of the shower to spit some grimey bars. Supressing our laughter, me and Erikah decided to take a peak, and found a big surprise.
It seems that what Tim lacks in terms of personality or looks, he more than makes up for in the old penis department, if you catch my drift. He’s kind of like Donkey from Shrek, in that he’s annoying as fuck and never shuts up, yet clearly still has something up his sleeve – or, more accurately, in his pants – to satisfy a 60ft dragon. And that’s why Tim is now called ‘Big T’.
Leaving Big T to finish his set, I got changed and decided to give Jasper a chance to redeem himself from last night’s shit-housery. I tell you now that you’d have to be blind or dumb to say no to Vini Jones when she’s in her custom-made leopard print Gucci swimsuit, but it turned out that Jasper is just a bellend, as he asked me – I repeat, HE ASKED ME – if I was there to apologise to him for last night’s argument.
See, Jasper, my love, it’s sentences like that which make me think you’ve never seen Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. It’s sentences like that which make me think you’ve never seen my father, Vinnie Jones, systematically hospitalise half of the Premier League’s wingers. It’s sentences like that which make me pretty sure you haven’t got a clue about the amount of pain – both physical, emotional, and maybe even sexual – my father is going to put you through when we leave the villa.
With the Jasper ship well and truly sailed, I got to grafting on HMS Levi and HMS Masy McMasonFace. They were both still interested in me, and I got the feeling that they’d leave their couples in a heartbeat for the promise of just one night of passion with Vini Jones in the hideaway. It was at this point that I realised what all the other girls seemed to know already: “I’m the most dangerous girl in the villa”. Because Vini Jones is the type of girl that steals your man and then uses his spare keys to burn down your house. She’s first in the sauna and last out of it, because every moment of her life is an opportunity for a mental victory. In short, this kitty got claws.
Just as I was contemplating being the hardest thing in the villa since Big T’s morning glory, the islanders were gathered together to complete a challenge straight out of the Mr & Mrs playbook. We’d all have to answer questions about ourselves, and then our partners would try to match our answers. I got all the questions about Jasper correct. Jasper was less successful.
Question 1 – Is Vini Jones a Winter girl or a Summer girl? Thinking all of a sudden that he’s Mr Billy Big Bollocks, Jasper reckoned I’m a Winter girl, because I’m “frosty as fuck” and “gave him the cold shoulder” last night. Well, Jasper, you’re wrong – I’m a summer girl because right now my fanny’s about as dry as a fucking desert.
Question 2 – Does Vini Jones prefer a Gin & Tonic or a Vodka & Energy Drink? The correct answer to this question is obviously that Vini Jones is a Strongbow Dark Fruit kinda gal, so admittedly Jasper was set up for failure here. Clearly thinking that he was coupled up with an 18-year-old (his usual type, I imagine), Jasper answered Vodka & Energy Drink, because “She’s a fun-loving party animal”. Deceased.
Question 3 – Would Vini Jones take a boy home after one date? I don’t take a boy home until the wedding ring’s on my finger and the father-in-law’s dowry is in my back pocket. Slyly, Jasper suggested that I’d take a boy home before the first date even arrived. What a pig.
With Jasper racking up an impressive zero points, Jen and Levi won the challenge and were rewarded with a date outside of the Villa later that night. Unsurprisingly gutted, I headed up to the bathroom to drop my first shit of the Summer (Author’s Note: I added this sentence with some hesitation, because all my research so far has concluded that girls don’t poo. I have been assured by numerous female advisors that girls do, in fact, poo every now and then. But I’m not convinced. If you or a friend can provide the answer to this mystery, please leave your thoughts in the comments below – NO PHOTOS OR GIFS PLEASE).
But there was a shitty stink in the bathroom before Vini Jones arrived and it was coming from the shower, where Jen and Allegra were talking about me behind my back. Interrupting their little ménage à deux, I reminded these hoes that Mason and Levi are not exclusive and if those boys want a piece of what I’m offering then no amount of Jen’s daddy’s money is going to stop them. Because I’m the most dangerous girl in the villa.
Later in the evening, Talia gets a text telling us that a ‘professional astronomer’ has predicted the long-term compatibility of our couples. It’s like that Black Mirror episode where couples press a button to find out how long their relationship will last – the only difference is I don’t pay for my Netflix subscription and I’ve already invested an embarrassing amount of money into this game’s microtransactions. But before the stars reveal our fate, some quotes of the day from Big T himself.
- “Imagine how hot the sex would be between them two [Jake and Talia]
- “Dating is really just like shagging a guy with a swimmer’s body but a huge beard… you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth”
Those words of wisdom aside, it was time to read our horoscopes as couples. Now, I haven’t trusted a prophecy since I ordered from that dodgy Chinese takeaway around the corner the other week and it arrived with three fortune cookies that each read “It’s coming home” and I woke up the next day with a stomach ulcer the size of Croatia. Tonight’s prediction would be a little more accurate, however. Vini Jones is a Scorpio – a water sign – and Jasper is a Leo – a fire sign. And as everyone knows:
“Relationships of fire and water are often flawed. Either water will quench the fire, and the relationship fizzle out, or fire will burn too hot and the partnership will evaporate like steam. This couple should look elsewhere”.
It truly was a horror-scope – if you’ll pardon the pun. With those words ringing through my head, I told Jasper we should call the relationship a day. He stormed off, but came back (they always do) five minutes later, and agreed. My first Love Island relationship was over in less than 24 hours. But there’s plenty more dick in the sea, and Vini Jones knows how to swim.
As I sat at the firepit contemplating my loneliness, Jen and Levi returned from their romantic date under the stars. Jen was really thoughtful about the situation though and absolutely did not spend the next hour telling me about how in love she was and how great her life is right now. Hun, you were right to think I was going to steal your man before. But now I’m going to ruin your life.
So I tell Jasper he can sleep in the bed tonight, which does two things. First, the viewers at home think I’m a nice girl who can forgive and forget those that have hurt her. Second, it means I can sleep in the outside bed tonight. And that means I can graft on Levi when he goes for his morning swim while Jen’s still asleep, blissfully unaware of the hell she’s about to wake up to.
And that’s why you don’t mess with the most dangerous girl in the Villa. Roll safe, bitches.
Robert Cairns (aka Vini Jones)