It seems I may have achieved peak Love Island obsession. A recent episode of ITV2’s hit show advertised the arrival of Love Island The Game on mobile devices, offering players their own personalised journey in this summer’s hottest villa. You had me at ‘free to play’, Love Island. So I grabbed my passport, booked my ticket to Mallorca, and packed my tightest pair of budgie smugglers to see if I couldn’t become the moistest slab of gammon since Dr Alex to find himself a catch in the Love Island villa. Best. Summer. Ever.
Unfortunately, the boffins behind Love Island The Game hadn’t created a male storyline yet, which meant I’d have to make my first foray into the realms of manufactured love and reality TV as a girl. No problem. I know how girls think. I’ve seen What Women Want. Getting into the mind of a virtual bombshell should be a piece of piss for a “Female Whisperer” of my ability.
Now, I’ve heard being the daughter of a TV ‘hard-man’ is a sure-fire way to making you the nation’s sweetheart. So without further ado, meet Vini Jones, a 23-year-old conceptual artist from Rochdale. In a real progressive step for body confidence campaigners, there was only one body type available to my character, so Vini Jones resembles what the producers of Love Island The Game presumably think represents an ‘average’ body. Walking alone into the villa, in a red bikini guaranteed to make the boys go WILD, it was time for me to meet the competition:
~ Allegra, 24-year-old cocktail entrepreneur from Swansea. I laughed and told her “I’m a cock entrepreneur too.” She didn’t get the joke. Allegra seems to have that uncanny ability to smile at you and call you BFFs while simultaneously plotting your murder.
~ Erikah, 20-year-old jobbing actor from Norwich. In our first interaction, Erikah made a sly comment about my swimwear. I smiled and laughed away the remark, while making a mental note to put that bitch in the ground the first chance I got.
~ Jen, 22-year-old fashion blogger from London. Jen says she has a “mega resting bitch face”, so at least we know she’s honest. She also has a tattoo of a rose on her leg because she’s ‘really unique’ and wants you to know that she spent daddy’s money travelling to Indonesia to take pictures of herself building a well in a village that discovered water 2000 years ago.
~ Talia, 23-year-old music journalist from Watford. Talia is basically the Shania Twain of her generation and MY GOD is she a spice. Potentially too attractive for her own good, but man I feel like a woman in her presence.
The competition was fierce, but thankfully the introduction of six boys meant I wouldn’t be going home tonight.
~ Jake, 29-year-old chef from Preston. Although Preston is undeniably a shit hole, Jake is 100% my type on paper. Talk, dark, and handsome, Jake is so built his dick probably has its own six-pack. I give him a wink to let him know I’m “interested”. Smooth.
~ Mason, 24-year-old musician and underwear model from Romford. The only thing tighter than Mason’s abs are his shorts; it’s safe to say they leave very little to the imagination, which is good, because he has none. Apparently, Mason’s favourite food is “Love Hearts”. Grow the fuck up, Mason.
~ Miles, 22-year-old Carpenter from Glasgow. About as close to a huge zero as is humanly possible Think Ron Weasley – only he discovered the spell for being a wanker six years early.
~ Tim, 23-year-old DJ from Truro. I didn’t know this type of melt existed. Tim raps in the shower and has a waterproof “rhyme book” to aid his flow. I asked him if he was up on Kaytranada. He asked me if that was a type of cheese. Clown.
~ Jasper, 26-year-old financial advisor from Kensington and full-time snob. Jasper’s gone for that Captain America post-Civil War look to try and hide the fact that he’s more than likely a bell end. He’s fooling nobody, but as long as he leaves me the Range Rover in the will, I don’t really mind.
~ Levi, 26-year-old Olympic water polo player from Manchester, the greatest city on Earth. It’s difficult to say what was wetter: his swimming pool in Rio, or the five of us girls when he walked into the villa.
It’s a good start, because I’m pretty sure every one of these nerds fancies me. Now that introductions are out of the way, we’re told there will be a recoupling tonight, and that the boy who doesn’t get picked will be dumped from the island. Time to get grafting.
We broke the ice with a casual game of Never Have I Ever. It was just like those magical first nights of Freshers Week – a group of strangers who secretly all hate each other but are nevertheless forced to live together desperately trying to prove how cool they are by figuring out how many fingers they’ve each had up their bum. First up, Miles:
“Never Have I ever had really amazing sex, that lasted all night, by a campfire.”
Oh, great so you’re THAT guy are you Miles? Never have I ever kissed a mudblood. Bore off you Weasley prick. In the midst of my anger, it turned out that Jake cheated on a previous partner which, strangely, kind of turned me on. It also turned out that Jasper had an eight-person orgy with his flat while at University, which explains both why he’s so creepy and why Charles Morris is so expensive. It also also turned out that I could pretty much invent Vini Jones’ backstory here, so you’re now looking at a woman who’s had a threesome and shared a night of passion with a person of the same sex.
In the next few hours, things moved pretty quickly. Levi asked me to kiss him. MOIST. I gently let him know that I’m not that easy, and that he’d have to work to get anything from me. Thankfully, he likes a challenge. Mason tried to pick up where Levi left off by stepping forward to kiss me in the bedroom. I mean yes he’s probably got a dick like a traction engine but he’s way too confident to say we’ve just met, so I deflected and told him to try again later. Chatting to Talia about my dilemma in the kitchen, she suggested the possibility of us two gals hooking up and systematically fucking the patriarchy. Yes please. It’s good to know that I have a few more options than the rest of the girls in here. (Sidenote: Since Love Island is a show that often gets criticised for its lack of diversity, the potential storyline here for a same-sex relationship really surprised me, and I think the game’s writers deserve some credit for making up for the show’s deficiencies).
With that being said, it was now time for the first recoupling of the series. But before that, some quotes of the day, courtesy of Tim:
- “I’ll wind you up so hard you’ll think you’re a clock”
- “I’ve always wanted to do an orgy”
Bless you, Tim, you small, little boy. At least we know who won’t be getting picked tonight.
All the islanders gathered round the fire pit, and I was feeling pretty damn confident in an elegant black dress. Little did I imagine the shitshow that was about to unfold before me. First to pick was Talia, who chose Jake – the boy I fancy the most. Shit. Second is Allegra, who chose my second preference, Mason. Game on, Allegra. Game on. With limited options, Erikah went third and picked Tim, which was a bold choice considering he’s definitely a virgin. With the universe conspiring against me, Jen stood up next and picked the only other boy I see a future with outside of the villa, Levi.
Since I’m last to pick, my only options are posh wanker Jasper and just generic Working-Class wanker Miles. But we are where we are. And since Vini Jones is a girl who values integrity over superficiality, I chose the more attractive (and substantially richer) of the two – Jasper. As Miles, shell-shocked, grabbed his bags to leave the villa, Jasper leaned over to me and whispered “Thanks for choosing me over that melt.” No problem, Jasper. No problem at all. Like putty in my hand. It’s going to be great ‘getting to know you more’, by which of course I mean I’m going to make you fall in love with me and then break your fragile little heart.
To see if we have any actual chemistry, me and Jasper share our first kiss. It’s passionate and exotic; beard and tongue intermingle in one erotic amalgamation of lust. But just when I start having feelings for this guy, Jasper pulls away and sheepishly suggests that we should still do our best to “crack on” with the other islanders. Oh dear. We all know what that means, don’t we girls? That means that Jasper has had his head turned by some blonde bimbo and he’s going to spend THE REST OF HIS LIFE on the Love Island sofa as punishment. As all the new couples snuggle up together in bed, I adorn a daring bit of lingerie to show that dickhead Jasper what he’s missing, and prepare to spend my first night in the villa alone.
And so begins my loveless relationship with a boy who doesn’t fancy me. Men really are trash.
Robert Cairns (aka Vini Jones)